Showing Up For People When They’re Grieving

My partner and I had to say goodbye our cat recently. She was quite the character and has left a chonky-sized hole in our hearts and home. This post isn’t about Chippy necessarily, but rather about the support we received in the wake of her loss. If you’d like to get a glimpse into life with Chippy, you can head over to my blog here: Sarah Beth Photography

I feel very lucky that I have a strong support network of friends, family, clients, and even internet strangers who have reached out to offer their condolences in different ways. Not everyone out there is as lucky.

Pet loss is often a disenfranchised form of grief, one in which people who don’t “get it” dismiss it as something silly or unimportant. When you’re left to experience a profound loss all on your own, without support from those around you, it’s very isolating and lonely. You might question your own deep reactions even though they’re perfectly normal to feel. You might get lost in your grief and have a harder time moving forward.

That’s why it’s so important to be gentle with people who are grieving, to offer some gesture of support no matter what their loss is or if you understand it.

I wanted to share some of those ways in which people showed up for us, in hopes that it might give you ideas on how to support your own friends or family members who are grieving.

Social Media Comments

I was sharing what was going on with Chippy on my personal social media pages. I felt some people would appreciate the updates, it was an outlet for me to express what was happening, and it was an opportunity for those friends to express their support - even if it was just a quick “care” emoji or words of comfort.

When you’re on the countdown clock to the vet coming to your house for euthanasia, it’s hard to know what to do with yourself. Refreshing the page and reading (and re-reading) things like, “I’m so sorry” “My heart is with you guys” “Big hugs” “Sending you all our love” truly made me feel loved and supported, and made the day go by easier. It was as though all their energy was holding us up from across the city / country / world / wherever they were commenting from. It just takes a few seconds to do this for someone, but trust me when I say the impact lasts far longer after you hit “submit.”

If you’re not sure what to say or maybe didn’t know their pet, a simple “I’m so sorry” or “Sending love and hugs” is great.

Greeting Cards

I’ve always loved receiving greeting cards in the mail, but admittedly am terrible at sending them, so that’s something I need to work on. It’s so special opening a card that someone took the time to send you, with a handwritten note of condolences, an anecdote of something they loved or remembered about your pet. It’s a physical object that you can set up on a shelf and be reminded of that person caring for you and supporting you through a difficult time.

Flowers

Sending flowers might be the most common way to show support for the loss of a person, but it’s just as nice of a gesture for the loss of a pet. Our friends showed up with a simple mason jar of cute flowers, including an unusual green one that was soft and fuzzy that they said reminded them of Chippy. They bring such a pretty, fresh addition to her little memorial area.

Candles

Lighting a candle is a great, simple ritual to think about and honor your pet. My friend Kathy at Nelli Designs makes beautiful memorial candles with collars and tags that can be customized with your pet’s name. Save 15% off your order with the code JOY

Comfort Box

Biscuit and Bertie makes a beautiful gift for people experiencing pet loss. The box includes a journal, a candle, and 30 Grief Support Cards that “affirm your feelings, help you process your emotions, and recount fond memories.” Save 10% off your box with the code JOY

Find more pet memorial gifts and discount codes here.

Spending time together

Physically being there for someone is really important as well. The friends who brought the flowers were also present for Chippy’s euthanasia, and we all cried together, sharing funny and sweet stories we remembered about her. Telling someone you’re sending hugs is great, but if you can physically be there and give an actual hug, that’s priceless.

Another friend sent the beautiful rainbow planter seen in Chippy’s memorial above, with the promise of shopping for a plant together soon. A gift like that not only provides a physical memorial item, but an experience to look forward to. Spending time with a friend, picking out the perfect plant, the act of repotting it into the planter, and enjoying the plant for years to come are all going to be wonderful memories that help keep Chippy and my friend’s support at front of mind.

Ask how your friends are doing, share a happy memory you have of their pet, bring them a treat to enjoy or something pretty to look at, ask if they’d like to go for a walk. It can be hard to want to do anything when you’re grieving, but if a friend makes a point to come see you and spend time with you, it’s incredibly uplifting.

Finding a Support Group

If you don’t have a built-in support system while you’re going through the loss of a pet - if your friends, family, or coworkers just don’t seem to understand the weight of your loss or what you’re going through - know that there are groups out there full of people who DO understand, and who are ready to lift you up and help you through it. You could ask your veterinarian, local humane societies, or even religious organizations if they offer or know of any in-person grief support groups you could check out.

If you’re not feeling up to participating in an in-person meeting, there are virtual groups and meetups to look into as well. An emergency vet in my city has a great list of resources and holds support group meetings over Zoom once a month.

My own pet grief support group, “Supporting Your Pet Loss Journey” on Facebook is a small-but-mighty group of really nice people who are ready and willing to comment on your post, ask questions about your pet, and help give a sense of community. Everyone is welcome join, share a photo of your pet, and let us know how you’re doing.

Certain times of year bring more public pet loss events and get-togethers as well, such as World Pet Memorial Day on the second Tuesday in June, National Pet Memorial Day on the second Sunday in September, and the Winter Solstice. Again, your veterinarian might know about events happening, or a simple google search should reveal what’s available in your area. And if there aren’t existing events, why not organize one yourself!